I re-wrote my DMP this week trying to incorporate all of the ideas swirling in my head after touring a property that helped me get clarity around what I want for my catering company (see my last post). It was 585 words, give or take. Then, rather than refining it until it was the required 400 words, I sent it off to my guide and didn’t reopen the document again for a really long time. I don’t know why exactly, other than I think I felt like I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head and I needed to brain purge on paper then step back and take some time to organize my thoughts. In the mean time, and as a result, I’ve fallen a bit behind on some of the other course requirements. I’ve told myself that I don’t want to manifest something that I’m not totally clear on yet. Not that I’m currently some master manifester – at least not consciously. But I was really resisting reading my old DMP, or my new, too long DMP, because it felt like the picture was really out of focus and I didn’t want to read something over and over that didn’t feel true.
In the past, I would have called myself a lazy perfectionist. I’m not the kind of perfectionist who will work and work and push and push until whatever I’ve set my mind to is the best. But, rather, I’m the kind of perfectionist who wants to be the best, but if I get the feeling before I start something that I won’t be able to accomplish the level of success/perfection/awesomeness that I hope to, then I just opt out. I’ve taken myself out of the game, so to speak, more often in my life than I care to admit. I can totally see where my old blueprint is sneaking in and where not having my DMP done to my satisfaction gave me the exact excuse I needed to take myself out of this MKMMA game for a couple weeks. This is something I really want, though! Does anyone else feel totally freaking insane when you clearly see yourself repeating past patterns – patterns that you really don’t want to repeat anymore – and yet you just can’t/won’t/don’t stop the cycle?! Ah! WTF!