Here we are…week 2 of MKMMA. To use the correct MKMMA verbiage, I’m seeing a few places where my “old blueprint” is majorly rearing it’s ugly head.
Specifics: I know procrastination is a huge hurdle for me. In school, I was your typical, wait-until-the-night-before-the-paper-is-due-and-then-pull-something-mildly-awesome-out-of-my-butt-and-still-get-a-pretty-good-grade-on-it, student. And, I’m really good at doing all of the calculations and thinking through all the consequences in advance so when someone asks me why I’m waiting until the last minute to do something, I can, with a bit of an incensed air, tell them that, though it looks like I’m procrastinating, I’m actually not…I’ve got a plan, and they need not worry about it. It’s just that my plan usually involves me starting a project with just the bare-bones minimum amount of time allotted to finish it before I have to deliver.
What do I get out of operating in this way? A lot of stress. A lot of heartache afterwards because I know that if I delivered something kind of great doing it this way, I probably could have delivered something really really great if I had started earlier. A rush – it’s exhilarating to pull something off, to feel the adrenaline, even though you know it’s kind of crazy to enjoy that feeling. A sense of failure, because every time I tell myself I’ll do it differently next time, give myself that extra hour or day so I can be sane about how I approach a project, but I don’t do it differently and then I feel like I’m breaking promises to myself over and over again. A sense of control – I’ll do it when I damn well please, thank you very much!
So, in light of all of this, I suppose one can probably guess how this old blueprint is playing out in terms of MKMMA. Let’s just say that my sit isn’t happening first thing in the morning like I keep promising myself it will. And, perhaps there have been a few days when I didn’t quite fit in all of my readings. Oh, and is it possible that I spent last Thursday night from about midnight until 2:00 am at an all night diner writing the first draft of my DMP? Yeah, yeah it is. But, this is why I started this course. Because I have this sneaking suspicion that my tendencies towards procrastination are REALLY holding me back from achieving my goals. And, I really want to change this about myself. So this week, I’m writing my blog post on Wednesday (whoa – a whole 2 days early!? Am I feeling ok?!). And, my rewrite of my DMP is next on the agenda (dang, I’m on fire!).
In wanting to recognize my patterns, and acknowledging that procrastination is a big one, I also have to recognize that one procrastination trigger for me is not having a clear mental picture or understanding of the scope of the project at hand. If I haven’t totally wrapped my head around the patterns or the big picture, and if my fuzzy perception of the project tells me there’s a lot of work ahead just to get organized before I can even start, then I tend to shut down (isn’t there a show on Netflix I’ve been meaning to catch up on?). That’s a little how I’ve been feeling about MKMMA. I don’t yet feel like I’ve totally wrapped my head around this thing. Overwhelmed isn’t the word I’d use to describe how I’m feeling. More, I’m not yet feeling connected to the work. Admittedly, this is kind of a “chicken and the egg” situation; if I had been perfectly adhering to the program as I should have been, perhaps I’d feel the connection, but as it stands, not feeling the connection is making me a little resistant to doing the work.
Ok, enough of the psycho-analysis – I can recognize my patterns, but what am I going to do about it? I’m making the public (what? it’s totally possible that someone, somewhere could stumble across this blog…) commitment that, for the rest of this week, I’m going to do the work exactly as it’s laid out. I really am ready for this. I want something different in my life. I can’t let my usual patterns, or old blueprint, hold me back anymore. Subby – trust me on this one. We’re ready for new habits, a new blueprint.
Lastly, to explain the photo I chose for this weeks post. I wrote about my dog, Remy, in my DMP. I’m not a mom to a human, but I am a mom to literally the most awesome Golden Retriever that ever existed. Non-obsessed, non-dog people totally won’t get this. In fact, some will probably think I’m a little over the top and could use some good old fashioned, quality human interaction. But, my philosophy is that dogs are on this earth to be pure examples of joy, love, and happiness. They are the most loyal and true companions. And as a mom to a dog, my one job is to make sure that he has the most awesome life I can give him. He, unlike a human child, doesn’t need to become a productive, contributing member of society. He just needs to be loved and deserves to be totally spoiled. I said in last weeks post that there have been times in my life when I was worried that I was a passion-less person. But one thing I can point to as evidence against that statement, is how much I really, truly love that dog.
When you have a dog, or any pet I suppose, the crappy part of the deal is knowing that someday you’re going to lose them. It’s a morbid thought, I know. But keeping that fact in the back of your mind has a silver lining. It can be a really great reminder to “do it now.” Building a business and finding and following your passion can take time. But part of why I so badly want to change my blueprint now, is because I want to be able to say that Remy lives, and lived, a life filled to the brim with the things that he loves – fetching balls, swimming, basking in the sun in his own backyard paradise at the home I dream of building. To know that it’s important to me to give him a beautiful life, is to know that I don’t have a lot of time to waste.
One note: I just thank God he’s not a cat…with the way I’m going on and on here, I’m a robe and a pair of fuzzy slippers away from never having a boyfriend again. 🙂